Frustration is a feeling that you just need to let go of…or else it frustrates you even more.
Last night I had to just let go.
Let me run down the last 24 hours for you.
I was just drifting back off to sleep after nursing our youngest when I hear my name being called urgently from the kitchen multiple times. I slowly unlatch my daughter to try not to wake her but can feel my son stirring beside me from the yelling. I can only imagine what I would find when walked into the kitchen but it did not include my husband laying flat on his back unable to move his arms or legs.
Ben told me anxiously he thinks he passed out so we got him calmed, in a good recovery position and when he was able he shared with me what happened. The last thing he could remember was leaning over the sink thinking he was going to be sick and then waking up staring at our white ceiling through blurry eyes wondering if he had died.
After a second episode where he would have fainted again had he been standing not sitting, we called an ambulance and then proceeded to wait in the ER for 8 hours while they did tests, monitored his heart and asked him lots of questions which he answered in spurts between his 8 hour long nap.
8 hours later, his arms and legs still incredibly weak and his fingers still tingling, we are discharged. No answers. No reason why he fainted in the first place. Is there any other system where you can just quit a case before finding out answer? I know this happens a lot, and in a lot more severe cases than this but come on. A 28 year old man passes out twice in a day and you let him go home with a follow up to wear a halter monitor? I myself am an RN, I understand the system and I deeply appreciate the hard working men and women who sacrifice time away from their own families to care for ours. But I wanted an answer. He wanted an answer. We did not sit for 8 hours to learn that you are giving up with a shrug of your shoulders. Yes, there truly may not have been more that could be done in emergency and taking up a bed is not helpful going into the night rush, I understand but I am still frustrated.
It didn’t help we came home to a house that looked like a bomb had gone off despite me keeping it clean all week and picking up an extremely tired 3 year old from his grandparents who cried along with his 4 month old sister the whole way home.
I sat in the quiet once all were asleep and just asked why. Why couldn’t we get an answer. Why did he faint and why can a system give up looking for an answer when the typical ones don’t match.
Yes I am tired, yes I am frustrated and maybe, just maybe a little grumpy.
My heart goes out to all those with sick and undiagnosed loved ones who suffer more than we did in those 24 hours. I am thinking of you today, living in constant frustration, questioning and often times worry. Wishing you strength, endurance and a steadfast soul to pursue answers when no none can offer any.
where is House when I need him,