One of those days with Mummy guilt.
How come all of us struggle with this no matter how we decide to raise our children? Every decision we make comes with a side order of guilt (if we let it). Diapering, feeding, sleeping arrangements, size of family, birthing preference, working from home, working away from home, staying home, sugar free or gluten free…every decision is in our hands and either side of the coin that we chose brings peace and pain.
Today, for me, I miss Honour. I miss having the day with him and giving him the majority of my attention. Being able to listen when he needs me, hold him when he is in need of a cuddle or just accept his exuberant offer to crash cars whenever he asks. Life is not THAT much different now but it isn’t the same. I am so thankful for family to take him places, give him attention and help him through this transition but it is also hard to not be the one to do all these things for him anymore, or at least not as often as before.
I had a cry with Ben at lunch because I just missed what used to be. Being the awesome husband he is reminded me of all the beautiful reasons to be thankful…like the fact I can stay home with Honour and Journey, I get see them both daily, all day, and sometimes want to have a break for me time. (Post partum emotions don’t always see both sides haha). Life will feel more natural when routine kicks in and our new normal is no longer new.
I keep needing to remind myself that we have not taken away Honour’s only child position but we have blessed him with a lifelong friend, a co-conspirator, and a family member who he can cling to when desperately needed. This is where I need to focus and this is where I need to channel my energy. Helping these two form a bond that cannot be easily broken. I will always be their Mum but one day (morbid thought warning) I will be gone and they will have each other and raise their own families alongside one another. This is no reason for guilt but for rejoicing and gratefulness.
So here is to letting go of the guilt, being thankful for the new and seeing the beauty in change.
Feeling better now 🙂